There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
