Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
