non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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