can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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