dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
