if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
