made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
