Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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