I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
