What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
