her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
