She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
