My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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