I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
