life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
