my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
