i just wanna soil my oats bro
accomplished twins. life is a go
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
