Cold hands, warm shart.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
