I'm jealous of your bromance
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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