I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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