I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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