I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
