dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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