If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize