I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
