Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
