i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
