When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
