I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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