whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
