Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
