just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
