i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
