he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
