I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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