well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
