how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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