If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
