1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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