I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
