so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
