My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
