ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
