so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
