I wish life had little blips of pornography
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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