Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
