In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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