I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
