U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
