Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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