i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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