how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
