And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
