my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
