Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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